Casually Walk Through Life

My boss this summer had a note in her office that said, "You don't casually walk through life and call yourself a disciple."

I read that everyday, and I cringed at the reality of that. That's a strong statement. I want to be a disciple. I want to be the hands and feet of God. But I don't know how. I don't know what that means or to what extent we have to go to fulfill that calling. But we can't be casual right? We can't just live an ordinary life. So I wrestled with it and thought, there's no way I can do that here. I can't work at a church and do that. I can't be a Child Life specialist in a hospital and do that. I can't work in America and do that. Because that would be ordinary. That would be casual.

So I prayed that the Lord would send me. I prayed that he would open doors on the other side of the world that would finally allow me to be a disciple. That's what we're supposed to do, right? Aren't we supposed to declare, "Here I am Lord, send me," and then follow Him to the ends of the earth?

But then the Lord so sweetly took my desires, my passions, and my prayers and crushed them.

At least that's what I felt like at the time. It's not that He didn't open any doors. He opened doors that I really wanted, just to close them after I had committed. He also opened doors that I prayed to stay closed.

I felt like He kept saying, "I know you want this, so I'm not going to give it to you."

Instead, I think I'm just starting to figure out that He was (and is) trying to say, "I would give you that, but you can't even be content with this. I would give you that, but you can't even see me work through this. I would give you that, but you don't even know how to be a disciple with this."

Maybe He's telling me I'm not ready.
And maybe He's right. Imagine that.

I think the Lord is teaching me what it means to be a disciple, and it's not what I expected. I thought I knew. Boy, I thought I was a disciple that was ready to go change the world. I thought I was ready to find the most needy and desperate people and fix their situations. Isn't that our problem so often? We want to fix it. We want to change people. We want to make the world a better place. Which I think is a good thing to want. I think it's a worthy desire. But the problem is, we want to do it on our own time and in our own way. And we forget that there's nothing we can do. We forget that it's the Lord who fixes things and changes people. At least I forget that.

I forget that I'm not enough on my own.

And if I'm not learning that in the hospital this semester, than I don't know what I'm there for. I never knew that working in a hospital could make you feel so useless or helpless. I work in a place where people have medical conditions that I've never even heard of. I work in a place where most things are so far beyond over my head. I work in a place where people who are supposed to save lives advocate for terminating a life. I work in a place where a kid comes with high hopes of getting a new heart, only to be told they won't give him one. I work in a place where the professional boundaries keep me from sharing the goodness, grace, and love of the Lord to a teen who wants to kill herself. And I can't help but wonder, how am I supposed to be a disciple here? How am I supposed to be the hands and feet of Jesus? I want to do something more. I want to do something better. I don't want to casually walk through the hospital, hold an iPad for a patient getting a PICC line, teach a patient what it means to have diabetes, put a mobile on a baby's crib.

I want to scream to the doctors to give the kid a chance with a new heart. Because where would we be if God didn't give us second chances? 

I want to hug that girl who wants to take her own life and tell her that Jesus loves her. Because how do we expect her to feel love if no one will share with her the most perfect love of all time?

I want to pray with the mom having a baby with a life threatening illness. Because we all need someone to share in our hope of a miracle. 

I want to run out of the place and never come back. Because I feel like so many things are pointing away from what the Lord is calling us towards.

But I stay. And I long for a way to make a small difference, to shine a small sliver of light, to give a glimpse of Jesus. And I have to hope, with everything in me, that Jesus is reaching through the cracks. He's in the places where we can't be. He's saying what we can't. He's comforting in a way that is impossible for us. He's proving the test results and doctors opinions WRONG.

Because our God is able to do that.

And I stay because I'm realizing that it's not me. I'm not going to change a life or save a life or make the world a better place. Shoot, I'm pretty useless. But I hold the iPad anyways. And I teach about diabetes anyways. And I put the mobile on the bed anyways.

And I'm starting to learn why. We can do casual things, but trust that the Lord is using those in extraordinary ways. I think that's what it means to be a disciple, after all. I think a disciple steps into small roles, casual situations, ordinary settings, and watches the Lord do big things. I don't think we can casually walk through life and call ourselves a disciple. But I think we have to walk through casual situations and have extraordinary belief in a God that promises to be walking with us, using us, and giving us the opportunity to be His hands and feet.

So I still read that quote and cringe. But I cringe for a different reason. I don't cringe because the extent of how far we have to go scares me. I cringe because sometimes being in an ordinary place and playing a casual role is harder than going to the ends of the earth to be a life changer. I pray to be a disciple that is able to put myself aside, let the Lord in, and trust that in the midst of ordinary life He's changing lives.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll begin to see that the casual situations are actually so extraordinary that we can't make a sliver of difference without the Lord on our team.

Watch and Be Utterly Amazed

Habakkuk the prophet prayed a prayer to God saying, “How long, O Lord must I call for help, but you do not listen? Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds. Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails. The wicked hem in the righteous, so that justice is perverted.” And again he prays, “O Lord, are you not from everlasting? Your eyes are too pure to look on evil; you cannot tolerate wrong. Why then do you tolerate the treacherous? Why are you silent while the wicked swallow up those more righteous than themselves?” God has a simple answer. 

WATCH. Look at the nations and watch and be utterly amazed.

How many times do we stop long enough to watch what God is going to do? How many times do we put our own desires behind us to see what God wants? How many times do we put our own knowledge aside and let the all-knowing God have control? 

I’m guilty of that. I’ve seen many things in my life that leave me questioning whether God or evil is prevailing. I hear of another school shooting leaving multiple kids dead. I hear of an earthquake that has destroyed a country. I bury a baby in Zambia who has no family there to mourn for him or care that he’s gone. I leave a village where I’ve seen a family beg for the Havens to take their child back (a child not wanted by any family member…just try and imagine that). I hear of another teenager kidnapped and missing. I volunteer in a hospital where a 5 year old girl is dying because her kidneys won’t work. There is evil in this world. You don’t have to look far to find it. In fact, it’s blown up all over our televisions and radios and social media. It’s physically right in front of our faces.

 And sometimes it leaves me feeling like Habakkuk asking God, “Why do you make me look at injustice?” I don’t want to see those new reports. I don’t want to know someone whose friend is missing. I don’t want to be the one who has to attend that baby’s funeral. I imagine Habakkuk felt somewhat like that. That’s why he prayed that prayer. The injustice was so engulfing that it left him crying out to a God who said he was holy yet was silent while the wicked swallowed everything up. Gosh I know I’ve felt that before. I’ve prayed prayers and sang songs to a God knowing that I wasn’t really believing the good promises he’s made but I was clinging to them anyways because that was my only hope. That was my only relief from the evil and injustice. 

When Habakkuk wanted relief from the injustice, the Lord told him to watch. To be patient. And to wait. He didn’t take the evil away. He didn’t hide it from Habakkuk’s eyes. He said, “Watch. Be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your day that you would not believe, even if you were told.” 

So today I’m praying for the faith to watch what God is doing in the midst of good and in the midst of evil. Today I’m praying for the ability to be silent before the Lord and trust that the relief will come. After Habakkuk cries out to God and listens to his answers he concludes the whole situation with this: “The Sovereign Lord is my strength. He enables me to go on the heights.”

When evil is strong and wearing you down, turn to the Lord. 

He will enable you to go on.    

Nelson

I failed at blogging while I was in Zambia this summer so many of y'all don't know about a large part of my time there, Nelson. Nelson was at the Havens when we got there and was a premie who was failing to thrive. So Meagan did what they sometimes do when a baby needs extra care and brought him home. So as much as I love all of the babies there, Nelson was special. He was part of our family. He had to be fed every 3 hours and watched to make sure he didn't vomit all his food. So this meant we rotated to care for Nelson around the clock. God used us to love him back to good health. We watched him transform from this tiny premie to a thriving little boy. Many days and long all-nighters taught me to love Nelson more than I ever thought I could love something this small.

  

Skyping dad during one of our all-nighters

Well Nelsie died last night when his premie lungs began to fail. Though he had grown into a healthy boy, he still had a premie body, so when his respiratory system got infected his little lungs couldn't make up for it. Gods plans will always be beyond my understanding. My heart selfishly breaks for sweet Nelsie. I wanted him to thrive and grow into a little toddler in haven 2 who played cars with his friends and loved language class. I wanted him to sing "Oh How I Love Jesus" and answer "God did!" when asked who made him. I wanted him to go home to an aunt or grandma and to experience what it was like to be loved by his own family. But God didnt want those things for him. And while I don't know why, I'll choose to believe its because Heaven is a much better place than here. I'll choose to believe that God knew what life here would hold for Nelson and He was saving him from those struggles. So while I'm selfish and sad and angry, I don't want to be. I want to be happy and rejoice in the fact that our sweet Nelly boy is in the arms of Jesus. And I want to believe that God is still good and that God is still the healer and that God's plans are still perfect. And while that seems impossible to believe in times like this, I pray that God gives us strength to claim those beliefs and cling to his promises. Even when they break our hearts and even when they don't go along with our plans and even when they don't seem fair. I pray that we can cling to His promises because without them we would have no hope or joy or reason to love. 

Baby model. He's perfect.

That furrowed brow. Nelsie in all his glory.

So today as I'm heartbroken and mourning the loss of a perfect little boy and wishing I could be in Zambia with our family and attend his burial, I am grateful that Nelson won't know the pain of the world. I'm grateful that the short life he did live wasn't as an orphan but as a little boy loved by so many people. And I'm grateful that God gave me the privilege to spread his love to a child who needed it so badly. 

Our precious family.

So while we prayed for Nelson and begged God to fill his lungs with oxygen and give him life only to watch him die, we somehow keep praying. I ask that you pray for Meagan and the aunties as they spend their lives fighting for the lives of these babies. And I ask that you pray for all the other babies at the havens. Because although Nelsie is gone, there are still so many who need strength and healing and life and the God of angel armies on their side. Take a little time out of your day today to read about these people that are dear to my heart and pray for them. Starting with Malachi...

http://zambianhavenonearth.blogspot.com/

If This Is All That We Have

Well this is going to be a long and full blog post because so much has happened this week! So enjoy it if you want, but I’m ok with knowing my dad might be the only one to read this ;)

Last time I was here we had a night guard named Webster who is an angel. Seriously, Kelly and I were talking about how he’s probably a literal angel. He’s just an incredible Godly man who loved us crazy American girls. With the house that he guarded (which wasn’t the one that I lived in) he prayed with them every night before they locked up. I was blessed enough to be there some nights and take part in those prayers. This man prayed like no one I have ever heard. He knew that when he was talking to our God, it was a real and intimate moment. He would start praying and by the end of the prayer he’d be on his knees, hands up, tears in his eyes…every time. So Kelly and I knew that Webster was one person we HAD to see when we got back here. So sure enough, our night guard Patrick said he would send Webster our way. Well Webster didn’t know why he was coming to Meagan’s house…he just knew someone needed to see him. When he saw Kelly and I standing in the door he literally went into shock. Men don’t touch women here; that’s just part of the culture. But Webster was so excited that he hugged us and picked us up and just started saying over and over again, “Thank you God! You’ve brought them back. The next time I thought I would see them was going to be in Heaven. Thank you God!” It was a moment I will never forget. When he finally stopped shaking and could answer our questions, we sat outside and caught up with him for a couple hours. So Sunday, we decided we were going to go to his village for church! We went to this church last time I was here, so it was fun to visit again. We went with Meagan, and we took a few of the ACU interns with us too. It was the typical African Sunday, and I loved every bit of it. We got there at 9, split boys and girls, and basically had a singing lesson with the song leader until everyone else decided to show up. Church started over an hour late. Weston, an ACU intern, preached because he was the visitor and that’s what you do. So of course we were visitors so we were the choir. We got up to sing, and instead we laughed the entire time. For some reason, we just couldn’t hold it together. It was pretty hysterical and embarrassing.  Then another choir sang and showed us up. As church ended we made a line out the door and greeted every single person at the church. The children loved us and wanted to touch our skin and hair and sing songs with us. And then Webster cooked us lunch in his sweet little house! His wife was out of town so he cooked us lunch, and he spoiled us with rice and sweet potatoes! That is so unlike the normal meal of nsima and rape that you have for every meal here. Webster cares about us so so much that he was willing to make the expensive stuff for us. He is such a servant and an angel, like I said. Getting to visit his church and have lunch in his home was such a sweet sweet treat.

Monday, we went with Meagan to villages to visit babies who have recently gone home from the Havens. She warned us that this would be a long day of goose hunts and not finding who we planned to find, but we had no idea what this day would have in store for us. We had 5 children/families that we planned to find, and somehow we found them all. God led us to each and every one. But it was quite the journey. Our trip was a 12 hour trip that mostly consisted of driving through the Zambian bush down tiny little “roads” asking people if they know a grandma named this or a blind man named this or a man that we don’t have a name for but that has a 2 year old daughter who used to live at the Havens. As you can see, we didn’t have much information except some names and the place that these families supposedly lived. We would find someone who would know the person we were trying to find, and they would give us directions in terms of past that tree and down that side and by that tuck shop and things that just meant nothing to us. Somehow we would end up pulling into a small village where one of Meagan’s babies would be waiting for her! Some were excited to see her and some were scared and sad. But all remembered her and loved her. We saw Catherine who is now 5 and sassy and funny and very well loved and taken care of by her aunt. We saw Leah who is precious and beautiful and has a grandma who loves her so so much. We saw Nico who just left the day we got here; she has a grandma who loves her SO much and is doing so well adjusting to her new life! The visit to her village was so humbling. This family welcomed us in, served us chibwanta (which is a drink that is so hard to drink, but is a very expensive delicacy here), and sent us home with ground nuts, bananas, and even a live chicken. I was in tear watching her give this to Meagan while telling her there isn’t anything she can do to thank her enough for taking care of this precious girl. This grandma gave Meagan a large part of her possessions because that was the only way she could say thank you. She sacrificed her finest things. Seeing children go home to places like that is such wonderful thing, because after loving these kids, all I want is for them to go back home to a family that loves and takes care of them. We saw Kurt and Jesse who are the third and fourth children in this family. The second one also lived at the havens and the fifth one, Leandrea, is here now. They have a family that loves them so much, but both of the parents are blind so that’s why they have been bringing their kids to the Havens.  Seeing their home was a great and sad experience at the same time. They obviously went back to a very loving family, but they went back to a home that doesn’t have a door or full walls; they go to bed freezing every night. There are 6 of them and their whole house is smaller than my room in Abilene. I was so struck by this scene while I was there; Kurt and Jesse and their 2 older brothers live in this tiny home and basically take care of themselves and their parents, but they are so happy and healthy. They have everything they need; a loving family and a loving Jesus.  The other baby that we saw was Caleb. He was here when I was here last time, and he has 2 clubbed feet. Going to his village was a hard reality; obviously it would be very expensive to properly care for his feet. His grandma and the rest of the family that he lives with doesn’t have that money, so they were begging Meagan to take him back with her. They were willing to send him off right there on the spot with us. I just can’t imagine; this sweet beautiful boy has no one who wants him. He’s a child who is suffering from disabilities, and he’s just being passed around and sent away by his own family members. There shouldn’t be a child on this planet that doesn’t have a family member or friend who wants them. That’s so heartbreaking and so unfair. So pray for Caleb and his family and for Meagan as they decide what to do and what is best for his future. So Monday was a full day; I came home with a heavy heart, a happy heart, an angry heart, and a joyful heart. That day was full of laughter and adventures and exciting situations, but it was also full of tears and anger and realities that shouldn’t be realities. It was full of situations that made me praise God and thank him, and it was full of situations that made me question God’s love for his children. At the end of the day, I was thankful for the truth that this world is not our home.

So now it’s Thursday night and I just got home from spending the past 2 days living in the village with one of the aunties, Violet. Here’s what that looked like: Violet works the night shift at the Havens so Wednesday morning at 7:00 when she got off of work, Kelly and I walked home with her. We got to her little village and went inside her home that has no electricity and no running water. When you opened the door, you were standing in a room that was probably 6 feet by 4 feet. There were 2 chairs, a couch, a table, and a shelf all inside that room. She then pulled back a curtain and we walked into the bedroom, which was probably 10 feet by 10 feet. It had a bed inside and all of their clothes hanging on the wall. This was their house. They had a hut outside that was the kitchen and a fire always going where they cooked their food and warmed their water for bathing. Her and her 2 daughters and 1 niece lived here, and this is where Kelly and I were staying! So she dropped us off at her house and told us she was walking to town. She doesn’t understand much English, so we tried to convince her to take us with her, but after that didn’t work we ended up being left in the village. Thankfully, her daughters Iris and Trevir were there to help us not be totally clueless. Iris and her cousin Sylvia cooked us tea and rolls for breakfast. They used their fine china and laid a straw mat outside for us to sit on. We sat out there, enjoyed breakfast, talked with the girls as much as we could, and read for a little while. That took up an hour or so, so after that we helped Iris fetch water from the well and wash the dishes. We finished that and sat around some more. The straw mat just stayed outside so we could sit out there and do whatever needed to be done. Iris was washing the bed sheets and curtains so we helped her with that. Once we got those hung up on the line to dry, we then had more time to just sit. Then it was time to start making lunch. So Iris taught us how to cut cabbage and rape and tomatoes; I say “taught” not because I’m incapable of cutting vegetables, but because they have their own way of doing it and they have it down to an art. We definitely were not good at this, and I’m pretty sure they went back and fixed everything we cut. After cutting vegetables, Iris and Trevir took us on a walk. We walked down a path for about 10 minutes before turning around and walking back. After getting back and sitting more for a while, it was time for us to bath. This took place in their “bathroom” that was behind the house. The bathroom is a straw fence that closes in an area where you bath and go to the bathroom. It’s all together, which isn’t very clean but that’s just how it works here. So we bathed by pouring some water on us and wiping down with a rag. I don’t know how clean we got, but it did feel refreshing. Violet got back from town and started making nsima for lunch. Nsima is maize (cornmeal) and water cooked over the fire, so as you can imagine, it’s not the most tasty thing ever. But they eat it for every meal. So lunch was ready and we had nsima and rape and cabbage. After lunch, we helped wash the dishes again. And then we moved the straw mat under the tree and spend the afternoon there. Kelly and I painted lots of finger nails and toe nails, and in return they did our hair. We ended up with some great hairdo’s. It was a fun afternoon with Violet, her family, and the neighbors who randomly stopped by! We took a nap at some point in the afternoon, and then woke up and started making dinner. This was nsima again, but this time we had chicken and relish (sauce) with the nsima and rape. It was so good! It gets dark early here, so we ate dinner by the fire so we could see and so we weren’t freezing. At 19:00 (7:00 pm) it was dark and we were done with dinner, so Violet went to sleep (it was her night off). We obviously weren’t tired so we stayed around the fire and sang some songs with the kids and neighbors. We taught English songs and they taught Tonga songs, and it was just a peaceful time. We all prayed together before we went to bed, which was really neat. Kelly and I prayed in English and Iris, Sylvia, and Trevir prayed in Tonga. I was sitting in a small village in Zambia under the most beautiful starry sky, praying to God in multiple languages. It was a special moment. So at 20:00 (8:00 pm) Kelly and I got in bed. They gave us the one bed that was in the house. Violet and Trevir slept on the floor next to us, while Iris and Sylvia slept on the floor in the other room. To have room enough to sleep on the floor they literally moved all of the furniture outside for the night; that’s how small this home was. So Kelly and I felt really blessed to be sleeping on a warm bed while the 4 family members were sleeping on the floor. However, since it was only 20:00, we weren’t tired at all. We might have watched a movie on her iPod while waiting for time to pass. I think I eventually fell asleep, but woke up off and on throughout the night because they keep their battery operated radio blaring and their battery operated light on at all times. I also kept waking up because poor Kelly was sick and had to go outside multiple times throughout the night. Now being sick at home isn’t so bad, but it’s pretty rough here when you have to go out into the pitch black and use a latrine that isn’t a hole in the ground or anything; just some rocks that you know you have to bath on in the morning. So at 5 oclock this morning, the family woke up and got ready for the day. They were sweet and didn’t wake us up, so Kelly and I got out of bed at 8:00. They had tea and rolls made for us again, and this morning they also made porridge (more cornmeal and water)! Did I mention it’s rude to not eat all of the food they give you? So no matter how tired you are of eating the same bland thing over and over again, you cant quit; you have to eat it all. So we ate breakfast, did the dishes, sat under the tree and played with the kids and neighbors, took another walk, bathed, ate nsima and rape for lunch, did the dishes again, sat under the tree and taught the girls Go Fish, got our hair done again, sat some more, and cleaned up the house. This is what village life consisted of. And while it’s so simple and relaxing and fun, it’s tiring and busy. I came home tonight sunburned, sore, tired, and dirty. I came home with new friends and a new family, and I came home with a much deeper bond with Kelly. My time spent in the village was eye opening in many ways. Iris is 16, so Kelly and I just kept talking about how different life for a 16 year old is here than it is in America. This family was so selfless by having us into their home and treating us so graciously. They don’t have much, yet they were willing to share it all with us. I got home and was grateful for the chocolate chip pancakes I made for dinner, the electricity, the warm bath I just took, and the comfortable bed I’m sitting on. 

So after this week, I have learned a lot and have been humbled. I didn’t spend this week in the Havens; I spent it in Zambia. I saw life the way it is really lived in Zambia. I saw the good things and the bad things. I saw reality. And reality anywhere is hard; I’m aware of that. Reality in America can be harder than reality here. But my heart ached. Not because Violet and her family have very little compared to me and not because Caleb is a perfect special child who isn’t wanted and not because Kurt and Jesse are children who have 2 blind parents and an incomplete home to live in. My heart ached because I saw all of these things and thought, “They would be so much happier if they lived like I live. Why can’t everyone have a life full of abundance and materials and comfort? It’s not fair that I have 2 big houses while these people have a small house with no water or electricity. They would love life if they lived in America.” That’s what I thought. My heart ached at my own thoughts. Because I saw these people and thought they should be more like me if they want to be happy. And then I was sitting under the stars, around a fire, singing worship songs with Trevir and Iris and the little neighbor kids and I remembered something that my roommate’s dad, Mr. Huddleston, said during a prayer one time in my house in Abilene. He said “If this is all that we have, it’s so much more than we need.” That phrase stuck with me and popped into my head last night. We were sitting outside of a small, cold hut with people who don’t speak the same language as us and who live a very different life than us. I was stuck in the mindset of feeling sorry for them because they don’t have as much as me. And then I was quietly reminded that even this is more than we need; relationships, beautiful creation, and a Father who loves each and every one of us. We don’t need materials and comfort and abundance of needs to be happy. We don’t need money and hospitals and plasters on our disabled feet. We don’t even need walls on our house. We have more than we need when we have a Savior whose love is enough. Who I am to think that people need to be like me to be happy? I was tempted to feel sorry for these people all week because they didn’t have what I have. I was sad and angry and upset for them. But then I was reminded that we don’t have to be sad because this world is not our home. We are headed for something so much more grand and glorious than this. What we have now won’t matter in eternity. We’ll be sitting around a fire under the stars worshiping with God himself. My favorite song has always been “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.” This week was definitely one of those times when those lyrics rang out so much truth. Whether I’m in Abilene with abundance of comfort or in a Zambian village with little, I have more than I need because I have claimed Jesus as my savior and live by his glory and grace.

Haven 3

So my first full week working at the Havens is over. At Namwianga there are 3 Havens, and we have 4 interns. So Meagan decided to split us up and have us try one specific haven/job each week. So this week I was assigned to Haven 3. Haven 3 is a “hospice” haven where all the sick babies are. We have kids from a couple months old to 7 years old. And they have all different things such as failure to thrive, HIV, TB, club feet, and special needs. So Tuesday was my first day in Haven 3, and I shadowed an auntie named Georgina. I did everything with her starting with tea time in the morning, feeding the babies lunch, bath time, nap time, our lunch break, laundry, and more feeding and changing babies in the afternoon. She works in a room of 4 babies. One is Nelson who is a preemie, 2 months old, and weighs probably 4 pounds. Rodwell is probably a couple months old also and just can’t seem to gain weight. They don’t know what is wrong with him so they keep in the hospice haven just to monitor is feeding and health. There are 2 older babies, Petra and Candace. They are the sweetest little girls! So that was my job for the week; helping Georgina take care of these 4 sick babes.

I thought I knew was this job was going to be like. I have been here before. I spent every day for 3 months in the havens. And I especially spent time in Haven 3 because that’s where my baby Matt lived. But boy was I wrong. Last time I was here, I spent time in the Haven playing with my baby and that’s it. I didn’t take care of every little last detail that needed to be done. So this week came as a surprise to me. By the end of day 1, I was worn out and tired. I don’t know how the aunties do it. It’s nonstop all day every day. I guess it’s what being a mother is like, but for us it was a mother to 4 sick babies who needed some extra care and attention. I got to the haven, had my tea and roll for breakfast, fed the 4 babies and put them down for a nap, played with the older kids until my babies woke up, fed them lunch, bathed them, changed them, washed their nappies and clothes, fed them again, put them down for a nap, walked to Georgina’s village to eat lunch, walked back to the Haven, changed our babies, and put them down while we played and fed the older kids dinner. That’s what Georgina does every day. And her lunch break isn’t a relaxing break. It’s a 10 minute walk home, to bath and change her 3 kids, cook lunch for them and herself, and then walk back to the Havens. She’s always working and taking care of others.

It was a hard week if I’m going to be honest. I was the only “makua” (white person) in the Havens so I spent my day listening to people speak Tonga. I had never realized how hard it is to go all day without having a real conversation. I could talk to the aunties and to the babies, but it was very surface level. I don’t know that much Tonga and they don’t know that much English, so it was very basic. It was also hard because I didn’t want to step on the aunties’ toes, seem lazy, or be a bother to them. This is the job that they do every day, and I didn’t want them to think I was coming in to show them how to take care of the babies that they love. Sometimes I felt like I was unwanted and was doing the job wrong, but I know that they just love the babies and want what’s best for them. They were very patient with me while I learned to bath them, wash the laundry by hand, make their lunch, and so much more. I’m sure I didn’t do everything right, but no matter how annoyed they probably were they were very understanding and forgiving. And the week was hard because I was stuck comparing it to last time I was here. My last trip was very free; we could come and go from the Havens when we wanted, play with the kids we wanted, and be with 30 other friends. It was “fun.” And this week was “work.” It was my job to be at the haven at 9 in the morning and work until 18:00 when the babies where in bed and I could go home. It was my job to feed, change, bath, and work. I wasn’t just there to play. So this was hard to adjust to. I had to adjust my mind, my heart, and my attitude. At first, I wanted the “easy” life. I wanted to sit and hold a baby, feed one when I felt like it, and go home. I didn’t want to spend the day changing sick babies nappies, getting nsima thrown all over me, and doing the laundry by hand. I didn’t want to eat nsima for lunch; I wanted my yummy “normal” food. I didn’t want to be away from my friends all day long. But I quickly realized how stupid I was being and prayed for God to change my attitude. I was living a life that was helping me gain so much appreciation for what I do have. I was gaining appreciation for the work the aunties do. I was gaining appreciation for Meagan and this life that she chose. I was gaining appreciation for my God who has blessed me with a life that makes this one so far beyond our understanding that sometimes it’s hard to accept. The week was hard. Most nights I came home tired and annoyed. But it was a wonderful week. I learned to suck it up and do the dirty work. I learned how much of a servant heart it takes and how much faith it takes. I learned how to find joy in the little things. And I learned to thank God for the ability to love these messy, fussy, beautiful babies who just need someone to love them. The aunties give their lives to loving these babies, and now I get to do that too for 7 weeks.   

Wonderful

I’ve been back in Zambia for a week now. Zambia. The place where I lived for 4 months and loved. The place that stole my heart and changed my life. The place I never thought I would see again. But I’m back, and it’s everything I expected and nothing I expected and everywhere in between. We got here last Wednesday and jumped right into our work here. I’m interning for Meagan Hawley who works at the Havens every day, so that’s what we do. Every day. All day. And after a week, I can honestly say that I’m tired and exhausted and worn out. I’m maybe even frustrated and annoyed. And I’m sitting on the couch still wearing my Siggie sweatshirt that I’ve had on all week. And it’s always been perfect and clean and carried an “important label” in the ACU world. And it’s now covered in pee and diarrhea and vomit and nsima and soggy biscuit drool. And no one even cares what “Siggies” are. But I can also honestly say that I’m home, I’m reunited with people I love, and I’m getting to love sweet babies every day. I love the feeling of coming home tired, because I know it’s an exhaustion that only comes when you’ve fully given yourself to serving others.  I love the moments of laughter and joy that come from playing with a happy happy baby. I love the times where I’m sitting around a table of 20 Zambian babies, feeding them, and singing Tonga songs with the aunties. I love cuddling with a crying baby. I love visiting the village and being convicted of how much I take my life for granted. I love the hard days and the frustrations and annoyances because it makes me grateful for the aunties who choose this way of life daily. I love having 10 swings full of laughing babies on a cool, sunny, beautiful, Zambian afternoon. I love kissing every baby good night before I leave. I love laughing with an auntie and feeling a relationship forming. I love hearing “HANNA!” in sweet Tonga accents as I walk up to the Havens each morning. I love that I speak more Tonga words than English words everyday between the hours of 9:00 and 17:00. I just come home at the end of the day tired and ready to complain. And then I remember that I have nothing to complain about.  I come home to a big warm house with an abundance of food to cook for dinner and a relaxing evening with nothing to do. The aunties that I spent the day with go home to a hut smaller than my bathroom, go home to their own 10 kids, and eat nsima for another meal. The Lord has blessed me beyond anything I can imagine, and I don’t realize that until I see the lives of those around me. I stop in my tracks, speechless, and thank God for the day that convicts me and cuts me to the core.

So, yes it’s hard work, dirty work, nonstop work. But it’s wonderful work. I was reading Judges the other day and it talked about a name that is “beyond understanding,” and it had a footnote that simply said “wonderful.” That’s such a common word now, but it comes from such a holy meaning; beyond understanding. That’s what this whole experience is. It’s a way of life, a way of service, a way of sacrifice, a way of love and joy and faith that is so far beyond understanding. The goods, the bads, all of it, is beyond understanding, and that is a wonderful thing.  I’m just blessed enough to have the opportunity to learn from this wonderful way of life. 

So as I sit here, I want to tell you all about what I have done specifically in the week that I’ve been here. But my tired mind doesn’t even know where to start or how to put all my experiences into words. I’m trying. Here’s a bullet point list of just the first few days.

-Kelly and I left Houston on Monday, June 10.We met up with Kamri and Colette, the other interns, in London, and got to Zambia on Wednesday June 12. Meagan picked us up, took us to the store and the bank to get prepared for the summer, and then we drove to Namwianga.

-Wednesday evening we went to the Havens and I got to see my precious Cathy. She was 4 months old when I left Zambia, and now she is almost 2, beautiful, funny, sweet, charming, and perfect. She’s tiny and cuddly and she bats her eyelashes and tries not to smile. But that never works, and her smile is one of those that warms your heart. She’s perfect.

-Thursday and Friday were spent moving throughout the Havens getting  to know the aunties and the babies.

-Saturday we walked to town with the 4 ACU interns that are here. It was about 10 miles that we walked that day, and we were tired and sore. But it was so fun. We ate at restaurants and shopped in store and markets that brought back good good memories. It was fun to see that I still remember my way around Kalomo and the market.

-Sunday we went to church at the church here at Namwianga. It was perfect. So great being back. Like I’ve said a million times before, NOTHING compares to singing with the Zambian people. You don’t know what real, raw worship is until you’ve sat in a room with hundreds of Zambians singing “When We All Get To Heaven” at the top of their lungs. It’s just one of those “wonderful” moments.

So that was last week. Meagan split us up this week and assigned us different jobs (jobs that she does…our internship is learning what she does at the havens.) So this week I have been working on one job. This weekend I will blog about that, because it has been a full crazy week and will take way too long to explain in this blog post! So be looking for another one soon! Life here is great though! I’m safe and sound and with amazing people. I’m blessed and happy and healthy. Be praying for us as we continue to serve these babies and aunties. Pray for energy and strength. Pray for an open heart and mind. And pray for relationships to form and grow.