If This Is All That We Have

Well this is going to be a long and full blog post because so much has happened this week! So enjoy it if you want, but I’m ok with knowing my dad might be the only one to read this ;)

Last time I was here we had a night guard named Webster who is an angel. Seriously, Kelly and I were talking about how he’s probably a literal angel. He’s just an incredible Godly man who loved us crazy American girls. With the house that he guarded (which wasn’t the one that I lived in) he prayed with them every night before they locked up. I was blessed enough to be there some nights and take part in those prayers. This man prayed like no one I have ever heard. He knew that when he was talking to our God, it was a real and intimate moment. He would start praying and by the end of the prayer he’d be on his knees, hands up, tears in his eyes…every time. So Kelly and I knew that Webster was one person we HAD to see when we got back here. So sure enough, our night guard Patrick said he would send Webster our way. Well Webster didn’t know why he was coming to Meagan’s house…he just knew someone needed to see him. When he saw Kelly and I standing in the door he literally went into shock. Men don’t touch women here; that’s just part of the culture. But Webster was so excited that he hugged us and picked us up and just started saying over and over again, “Thank you God! You’ve brought them back. The next time I thought I would see them was going to be in Heaven. Thank you God!” It was a moment I will never forget. When he finally stopped shaking and could answer our questions, we sat outside and caught up with him for a couple hours. So Sunday, we decided we were going to go to his village for church! We went to this church last time I was here, so it was fun to visit again. We went with Meagan, and we took a few of the ACU interns with us too. It was the typical African Sunday, and I loved every bit of it. We got there at 9, split boys and girls, and basically had a singing lesson with the song leader until everyone else decided to show up. Church started over an hour late. Weston, an ACU intern, preached because he was the visitor and that’s what you do. So of course we were visitors so we were the choir. We got up to sing, and instead we laughed the entire time. For some reason, we just couldn’t hold it together. It was pretty hysterical and embarrassing.  Then another choir sang and showed us up. As church ended we made a line out the door and greeted every single person at the church. The children loved us and wanted to touch our skin and hair and sing songs with us. And then Webster cooked us lunch in his sweet little house! His wife was out of town so he cooked us lunch, and he spoiled us with rice and sweet potatoes! That is so unlike the normal meal of nsima and rape that you have for every meal here. Webster cares about us so so much that he was willing to make the expensive stuff for us. He is such a servant and an angel, like I said. Getting to visit his church and have lunch in his home was such a sweet sweet treat.

Monday, we went with Meagan to villages to visit babies who have recently gone home from the Havens. She warned us that this would be a long day of goose hunts and not finding who we planned to find, but we had no idea what this day would have in store for us. We had 5 children/families that we planned to find, and somehow we found them all. God led us to each and every one. But it was quite the journey. Our trip was a 12 hour trip that mostly consisted of driving through the Zambian bush down tiny little “roads” asking people if they know a grandma named this or a blind man named this or a man that we don’t have a name for but that has a 2 year old daughter who used to live at the Havens. As you can see, we didn’t have much information except some names and the place that these families supposedly lived. We would find someone who would know the person we were trying to find, and they would give us directions in terms of past that tree and down that side and by that tuck shop and things that just meant nothing to us. Somehow we would end up pulling into a small village where one of Meagan’s babies would be waiting for her! Some were excited to see her and some were scared and sad. But all remembered her and loved her. We saw Catherine who is now 5 and sassy and funny and very well loved and taken care of by her aunt. We saw Leah who is precious and beautiful and has a grandma who loves her so so much. We saw Nico who just left the day we got here; she has a grandma who loves her SO much and is doing so well adjusting to her new life! The visit to her village was so humbling. This family welcomed us in, served us chibwanta (which is a drink that is so hard to drink, but is a very expensive delicacy here), and sent us home with ground nuts, bananas, and even a live chicken. I was in tear watching her give this to Meagan while telling her there isn’t anything she can do to thank her enough for taking care of this precious girl. This grandma gave Meagan a large part of her possessions because that was the only way she could say thank you. She sacrificed her finest things. Seeing children go home to places like that is such wonderful thing, because after loving these kids, all I want is for them to go back home to a family that loves and takes care of them. We saw Kurt and Jesse who are the third and fourth children in this family. The second one also lived at the havens and the fifth one, Leandrea, is here now. They have a family that loves them so much, but both of the parents are blind so that’s why they have been bringing their kids to the Havens.  Seeing their home was a great and sad experience at the same time. They obviously went back to a very loving family, but they went back to a home that doesn’t have a door or full walls; they go to bed freezing every night. There are 6 of them and their whole house is smaller than my room in Abilene. I was so struck by this scene while I was there; Kurt and Jesse and their 2 older brothers live in this tiny home and basically take care of themselves and their parents, but they are so happy and healthy. They have everything they need; a loving family and a loving Jesus.  The other baby that we saw was Caleb. He was here when I was here last time, and he has 2 clubbed feet. Going to his village was a hard reality; obviously it would be very expensive to properly care for his feet. His grandma and the rest of the family that he lives with doesn’t have that money, so they were begging Meagan to take him back with her. They were willing to send him off right there on the spot with us. I just can’t imagine; this sweet beautiful boy has no one who wants him. He’s a child who is suffering from disabilities, and he’s just being passed around and sent away by his own family members. There shouldn’t be a child on this planet that doesn’t have a family member or friend who wants them. That’s so heartbreaking and so unfair. So pray for Caleb and his family and for Meagan as they decide what to do and what is best for his future. So Monday was a full day; I came home with a heavy heart, a happy heart, an angry heart, and a joyful heart. That day was full of laughter and adventures and exciting situations, but it was also full of tears and anger and realities that shouldn’t be realities. It was full of situations that made me praise God and thank him, and it was full of situations that made me question God’s love for his children. At the end of the day, I was thankful for the truth that this world is not our home.

So now it’s Thursday night and I just got home from spending the past 2 days living in the village with one of the aunties, Violet. Here’s what that looked like: Violet works the night shift at the Havens so Wednesday morning at 7:00 when she got off of work, Kelly and I walked home with her. We got to her little village and went inside her home that has no electricity and no running water. When you opened the door, you were standing in a room that was probably 6 feet by 4 feet. There were 2 chairs, a couch, a table, and a shelf all inside that room. She then pulled back a curtain and we walked into the bedroom, which was probably 10 feet by 10 feet. It had a bed inside and all of their clothes hanging on the wall. This was their house. They had a hut outside that was the kitchen and a fire always going where they cooked their food and warmed their water for bathing. Her and her 2 daughters and 1 niece lived here, and this is where Kelly and I were staying! So she dropped us off at her house and told us she was walking to town. She doesn’t understand much English, so we tried to convince her to take us with her, but after that didn’t work we ended up being left in the village. Thankfully, her daughters Iris and Trevir were there to help us not be totally clueless. Iris and her cousin Sylvia cooked us tea and rolls for breakfast. They used their fine china and laid a straw mat outside for us to sit on. We sat out there, enjoyed breakfast, talked with the girls as much as we could, and read for a little while. That took up an hour or so, so after that we helped Iris fetch water from the well and wash the dishes. We finished that and sat around some more. The straw mat just stayed outside so we could sit out there and do whatever needed to be done. Iris was washing the bed sheets and curtains so we helped her with that. Once we got those hung up on the line to dry, we then had more time to just sit. Then it was time to start making lunch. So Iris taught us how to cut cabbage and rape and tomatoes; I say “taught” not because I’m incapable of cutting vegetables, but because they have their own way of doing it and they have it down to an art. We definitely were not good at this, and I’m pretty sure they went back and fixed everything we cut. After cutting vegetables, Iris and Trevir took us on a walk. We walked down a path for about 10 minutes before turning around and walking back. After getting back and sitting more for a while, it was time for us to bath. This took place in their “bathroom” that was behind the house. The bathroom is a straw fence that closes in an area where you bath and go to the bathroom. It’s all together, which isn’t very clean but that’s just how it works here. So we bathed by pouring some water on us and wiping down with a rag. I don’t know how clean we got, but it did feel refreshing. Violet got back from town and started making nsima for lunch. Nsima is maize (cornmeal) and water cooked over the fire, so as you can imagine, it’s not the most tasty thing ever. But they eat it for every meal. So lunch was ready and we had nsima and rape and cabbage. After lunch, we helped wash the dishes again. And then we moved the straw mat under the tree and spend the afternoon there. Kelly and I painted lots of finger nails and toe nails, and in return they did our hair. We ended up with some great hairdo’s. It was a fun afternoon with Violet, her family, and the neighbors who randomly stopped by! We took a nap at some point in the afternoon, and then woke up and started making dinner. This was nsima again, but this time we had chicken and relish (sauce) with the nsima and rape. It was so good! It gets dark early here, so we ate dinner by the fire so we could see and so we weren’t freezing. At 19:00 (7:00 pm) it was dark and we were done with dinner, so Violet went to sleep (it was her night off). We obviously weren’t tired so we stayed around the fire and sang some songs with the kids and neighbors. We taught English songs and they taught Tonga songs, and it was just a peaceful time. We all prayed together before we went to bed, which was really neat. Kelly and I prayed in English and Iris, Sylvia, and Trevir prayed in Tonga. I was sitting in a small village in Zambia under the most beautiful starry sky, praying to God in multiple languages. It was a special moment. So at 20:00 (8:00 pm) Kelly and I got in bed. They gave us the one bed that was in the house. Violet and Trevir slept on the floor next to us, while Iris and Sylvia slept on the floor in the other room. To have room enough to sleep on the floor they literally moved all of the furniture outside for the night; that’s how small this home was. So Kelly and I felt really blessed to be sleeping on a warm bed while the 4 family members were sleeping on the floor. However, since it was only 20:00, we weren’t tired at all. We might have watched a movie on her iPod while waiting for time to pass. I think I eventually fell asleep, but woke up off and on throughout the night because they keep their battery operated radio blaring and their battery operated light on at all times. I also kept waking up because poor Kelly was sick and had to go outside multiple times throughout the night. Now being sick at home isn’t so bad, but it’s pretty rough here when you have to go out into the pitch black and use a latrine that isn’t a hole in the ground or anything; just some rocks that you know you have to bath on in the morning. So at 5 oclock this morning, the family woke up and got ready for the day. They were sweet and didn’t wake us up, so Kelly and I got out of bed at 8:00. They had tea and rolls made for us again, and this morning they also made porridge (more cornmeal and water)! Did I mention it’s rude to not eat all of the food they give you? So no matter how tired you are of eating the same bland thing over and over again, you cant quit; you have to eat it all. So we ate breakfast, did the dishes, sat under the tree and played with the kids and neighbors, took another walk, bathed, ate nsima and rape for lunch, did the dishes again, sat under the tree and taught the girls Go Fish, got our hair done again, sat some more, and cleaned up the house. This is what village life consisted of. And while it’s so simple and relaxing and fun, it’s tiring and busy. I came home tonight sunburned, sore, tired, and dirty. I came home with new friends and a new family, and I came home with a much deeper bond with Kelly. My time spent in the village was eye opening in many ways. Iris is 16, so Kelly and I just kept talking about how different life for a 16 year old is here than it is in America. This family was so selfless by having us into their home and treating us so graciously. They don’t have much, yet they were willing to share it all with us. I got home and was grateful for the chocolate chip pancakes I made for dinner, the electricity, the warm bath I just took, and the comfortable bed I’m sitting on. 

So after this week, I have learned a lot and have been humbled. I didn’t spend this week in the Havens; I spent it in Zambia. I saw life the way it is really lived in Zambia. I saw the good things and the bad things. I saw reality. And reality anywhere is hard; I’m aware of that. Reality in America can be harder than reality here. But my heart ached. Not because Violet and her family have very little compared to me and not because Caleb is a perfect special child who isn’t wanted and not because Kurt and Jesse are children who have 2 blind parents and an incomplete home to live in. My heart ached because I saw all of these things and thought, “They would be so much happier if they lived like I live. Why can’t everyone have a life full of abundance and materials and comfort? It’s not fair that I have 2 big houses while these people have a small house with no water or electricity. They would love life if they lived in America.” That’s what I thought. My heart ached at my own thoughts. Because I saw these people and thought they should be more like me if they want to be happy. And then I was sitting under the stars, around a fire, singing worship songs with Trevir and Iris and the little neighbor kids and I remembered something that my roommate’s dad, Mr. Huddleston, said during a prayer one time in my house in Abilene. He said “If this is all that we have, it’s so much more than we need.” That phrase stuck with me and popped into my head last night. We were sitting outside of a small, cold hut with people who don’t speak the same language as us and who live a very different life than us. I was stuck in the mindset of feeling sorry for them because they don’t have as much as me. And then I was quietly reminded that even this is more than we need; relationships, beautiful creation, and a Father who loves each and every one of us. We don’t need materials and comfort and abundance of needs to be happy. We don’t need money and hospitals and plasters on our disabled feet. We don’t even need walls on our house. We have more than we need when we have a Savior whose love is enough. Who I am to think that people need to be like me to be happy? I was tempted to feel sorry for these people all week because they didn’t have what I have. I was sad and angry and upset for them. But then I was reminded that we don’t have to be sad because this world is not our home. We are headed for something so much more grand and glorious than this. What we have now won’t matter in eternity. We’ll be sitting around a fire under the stars worshiping with God himself. My favorite song has always been “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.” This week was definitely one of those times when those lyrics rang out so much truth. Whether I’m in Abilene with abundance of comfort or in a Zambian village with little, I have more than I need because I have claimed Jesus as my savior and live by his glory and grace.

Haven 3

So my first full week working at the Havens is over. At Namwianga there are 3 Havens, and we have 4 interns. So Meagan decided to split us up and have us try one specific haven/job each week. So this week I was assigned to Haven 3. Haven 3 is a “hospice” haven where all the sick babies are. We have kids from a couple months old to 7 years old. And they have all different things such as failure to thrive, HIV, TB, club feet, and special needs. So Tuesday was my first day in Haven 3, and I shadowed an auntie named Georgina. I did everything with her starting with tea time in the morning, feeding the babies lunch, bath time, nap time, our lunch break, laundry, and more feeding and changing babies in the afternoon. She works in a room of 4 babies. One is Nelson who is a preemie, 2 months old, and weighs probably 4 pounds. Rodwell is probably a couple months old also and just can’t seem to gain weight. They don’t know what is wrong with him so they keep in the hospice haven just to monitor is feeding and health. There are 2 older babies, Petra and Candace. They are the sweetest little girls! So that was my job for the week; helping Georgina take care of these 4 sick babes.

I thought I knew was this job was going to be like. I have been here before. I spent every day for 3 months in the havens. And I especially spent time in Haven 3 because that’s where my baby Matt lived. But boy was I wrong. Last time I was here, I spent time in the Haven playing with my baby and that’s it. I didn’t take care of every little last detail that needed to be done. So this week came as a surprise to me. By the end of day 1, I was worn out and tired. I don’t know how the aunties do it. It’s nonstop all day every day. I guess it’s what being a mother is like, but for us it was a mother to 4 sick babies who needed some extra care and attention. I got to the haven, had my tea and roll for breakfast, fed the 4 babies and put them down for a nap, played with the older kids until my babies woke up, fed them lunch, bathed them, changed them, washed their nappies and clothes, fed them again, put them down for a nap, walked to Georgina’s village to eat lunch, walked back to the Haven, changed our babies, and put them down while we played and fed the older kids dinner. That’s what Georgina does every day. And her lunch break isn’t a relaxing break. It’s a 10 minute walk home, to bath and change her 3 kids, cook lunch for them and herself, and then walk back to the Havens. She’s always working and taking care of others.

It was a hard week if I’m going to be honest. I was the only “makua” (white person) in the Havens so I spent my day listening to people speak Tonga. I had never realized how hard it is to go all day without having a real conversation. I could talk to the aunties and to the babies, but it was very surface level. I don’t know that much Tonga and they don’t know that much English, so it was very basic. It was also hard because I didn’t want to step on the aunties’ toes, seem lazy, or be a bother to them. This is the job that they do every day, and I didn’t want them to think I was coming in to show them how to take care of the babies that they love. Sometimes I felt like I was unwanted and was doing the job wrong, but I know that they just love the babies and want what’s best for them. They were very patient with me while I learned to bath them, wash the laundry by hand, make their lunch, and so much more. I’m sure I didn’t do everything right, but no matter how annoyed they probably were they were very understanding and forgiving. And the week was hard because I was stuck comparing it to last time I was here. My last trip was very free; we could come and go from the Havens when we wanted, play with the kids we wanted, and be with 30 other friends. It was “fun.” And this week was “work.” It was my job to be at the haven at 9 in the morning and work until 18:00 when the babies where in bed and I could go home. It was my job to feed, change, bath, and work. I wasn’t just there to play. So this was hard to adjust to. I had to adjust my mind, my heart, and my attitude. At first, I wanted the “easy” life. I wanted to sit and hold a baby, feed one when I felt like it, and go home. I didn’t want to spend the day changing sick babies nappies, getting nsima thrown all over me, and doing the laundry by hand. I didn’t want to eat nsima for lunch; I wanted my yummy “normal” food. I didn’t want to be away from my friends all day long. But I quickly realized how stupid I was being and prayed for God to change my attitude. I was living a life that was helping me gain so much appreciation for what I do have. I was gaining appreciation for the work the aunties do. I was gaining appreciation for Meagan and this life that she chose. I was gaining appreciation for my God who has blessed me with a life that makes this one so far beyond our understanding that sometimes it’s hard to accept. The week was hard. Most nights I came home tired and annoyed. But it was a wonderful week. I learned to suck it up and do the dirty work. I learned how much of a servant heart it takes and how much faith it takes. I learned how to find joy in the little things. And I learned to thank God for the ability to love these messy, fussy, beautiful babies who just need someone to love them. The aunties give their lives to loving these babies, and now I get to do that too for 7 weeks.   

Wonderful

I’ve been back in Zambia for a week now. Zambia. The place where I lived for 4 months and loved. The place that stole my heart and changed my life. The place I never thought I would see again. But I’m back, and it’s everything I expected and nothing I expected and everywhere in between. We got here last Wednesday and jumped right into our work here. I’m interning for Meagan Hawley who works at the Havens every day, so that’s what we do. Every day. All day. And after a week, I can honestly say that I’m tired and exhausted and worn out. I’m maybe even frustrated and annoyed. And I’m sitting on the couch still wearing my Siggie sweatshirt that I’ve had on all week. And it’s always been perfect and clean and carried an “important label” in the ACU world. And it’s now covered in pee and diarrhea and vomit and nsima and soggy biscuit drool. And no one even cares what “Siggies” are. But I can also honestly say that I’m home, I’m reunited with people I love, and I’m getting to love sweet babies every day. I love the feeling of coming home tired, because I know it’s an exhaustion that only comes when you’ve fully given yourself to serving others.  I love the moments of laughter and joy that come from playing with a happy happy baby. I love the times where I’m sitting around a table of 20 Zambian babies, feeding them, and singing Tonga songs with the aunties. I love cuddling with a crying baby. I love visiting the village and being convicted of how much I take my life for granted. I love the hard days and the frustrations and annoyances because it makes me grateful for the aunties who choose this way of life daily. I love having 10 swings full of laughing babies on a cool, sunny, beautiful, Zambian afternoon. I love kissing every baby good night before I leave. I love laughing with an auntie and feeling a relationship forming. I love hearing “HANNA!” in sweet Tonga accents as I walk up to the Havens each morning. I love that I speak more Tonga words than English words everyday between the hours of 9:00 and 17:00. I just come home at the end of the day tired and ready to complain. And then I remember that I have nothing to complain about.  I come home to a big warm house with an abundance of food to cook for dinner and a relaxing evening with nothing to do. The aunties that I spent the day with go home to a hut smaller than my bathroom, go home to their own 10 kids, and eat nsima for another meal. The Lord has blessed me beyond anything I can imagine, and I don’t realize that until I see the lives of those around me. I stop in my tracks, speechless, and thank God for the day that convicts me and cuts me to the core.

So, yes it’s hard work, dirty work, nonstop work. But it’s wonderful work. I was reading Judges the other day and it talked about a name that is “beyond understanding,” and it had a footnote that simply said “wonderful.” That’s such a common word now, but it comes from such a holy meaning; beyond understanding. That’s what this whole experience is. It’s a way of life, a way of service, a way of sacrifice, a way of love and joy and faith that is so far beyond understanding. The goods, the bads, all of it, is beyond understanding, and that is a wonderful thing.  I’m just blessed enough to have the opportunity to learn from this wonderful way of life. 

So as I sit here, I want to tell you all about what I have done specifically in the week that I’ve been here. But my tired mind doesn’t even know where to start or how to put all my experiences into words. I’m trying. Here’s a bullet point list of just the first few days.

-Kelly and I left Houston on Monday, June 10.We met up with Kamri and Colette, the other interns, in London, and got to Zambia on Wednesday June 12. Meagan picked us up, took us to the store and the bank to get prepared for the summer, and then we drove to Namwianga.

-Wednesday evening we went to the Havens and I got to see my precious Cathy. She was 4 months old when I left Zambia, and now she is almost 2, beautiful, funny, sweet, charming, and perfect. She’s tiny and cuddly and she bats her eyelashes and tries not to smile. But that never works, and her smile is one of those that warms your heart. She’s perfect.

-Thursday and Friday were spent moving throughout the Havens getting  to know the aunties and the babies.

-Saturday we walked to town with the 4 ACU interns that are here. It was about 10 miles that we walked that day, and we were tired and sore. But it was so fun. We ate at restaurants and shopped in store and markets that brought back good good memories. It was fun to see that I still remember my way around Kalomo and the market.

-Sunday we went to church at the church here at Namwianga. It was perfect. So great being back. Like I’ve said a million times before, NOTHING compares to singing with the Zambian people. You don’t know what real, raw worship is until you’ve sat in a room with hundreds of Zambians singing “When We All Get To Heaven” at the top of their lungs. It’s just one of those “wonderful” moments.

So that was last week. Meagan split us up this week and assigned us different jobs (jobs that she does…our internship is learning what she does at the havens.) So this week I have been working on one job. This weekend I will blog about that, because it has been a full crazy week and will take way too long to explain in this blog post! So be looking for another one soon! Life here is great though! I’m safe and sound and with amazing people. I’m blessed and happy and healthy. Be praying for us as we continue to serve these babies and aunties. Pray for energy and strength. Pray for an open heart and mind. And pray for relationships to form and grow.

Going home!

One month from tomorrow I'll be on a place back to Zambia! ONE MONTH! I get to go back! For those who don't know, I'm going back to Zambia where I studied abroad in 2011. I'll be there for 7 weeks working in the Havens with the babies that I got to work with last time I was there. I'm going with my friend Kelly who went with me last time, and we'll be staying with a missionary there, Meagan Hawley.
Nothing makes my heart happier than to think about being back at my home in Zambia. It's been a year and a half since I was there, and I never thought I'd be there again. When I said bye to my friends and babies there, I figured the next time I saw them would be in heaven. And I was excited about that. I had learned to open my heart and love people even though I was going to leave them. I had learned to find joy in the fact that I could say bye and know that we'd all be reunited one day.
But now I get to go and see them again. I get to be reunited early with people that I grew to love so much! I feel so blessed. I have thought and prayed about this trip so so much, and now that it's actually here my heart is overwhelmed. When everything fell into place and I knew I was going back for sure, I started questioning it all. Why me? Why do I get to go back? I'm not worthy enough for this calling. I'm not the person God wants to be over there to carry out his work. What if I'm going for the wrong reasons? What if I don't do my best while I'm there?...All of these crazy thoughts and questions were going through my mind. I was questioning who I was. I was questioning the faith that God has in me. I was questioning my ability to fulfill God's calling for my life. But God stopped me, held my face in his hands, and said "Trust in me. I want you there. I need you there. You, my daughter, are worthy of this calling." He assured me that I can do this. In fact, he WANTS me to do this. God believes in ME. And although I still can't quite grasp that, I have faith. I have faith in God who knows my passions and knows where my heart lies. I have faith in a God who knows my weaknesses and believes in me anyways. I have faith in a God whose plans for my life are bigger than my own. And I have faith in a God who calls little, unequipped me to big tasks.
So as I head to Zambia for a second time, I believe in the work my Father is calling me to. I know it will bring challenges and I know there will be times when I'll fail. But I know I'll succeed if the Lord is on my side. I'm only worthy because of Him. I'm only able to carry out these tasks because he equips me.
I am so excited about this opportunity and so so grateful to those who have helped make this possible. I couldn't have done it without yalls emotional, spiritual, and financial support. And I ask that yall continue to support me throughout my trip. God puts you in my life for a reason, I cant do it without yall.

With that being said...Cathy was my baby that I spent every day with when I was there. She was 3 weeks old when I first saw her. When I left Zambia, she was 4 months. When I see her in a month, she will be almost 2 years old!! I cant imagine the moment I'm reunited with her. I know she wont remember me, but my heart will never be so full as it will be in that moment! I loved her from the day I met her, I prayed and cried to God over her when she was frail and sick, I rejoiced and laughed and cried when she was healed, and I celebrated with her when she smiled and laughed and cried for the first time. I watched her grow up, and the time cant come quick enough when I can pick her up and hug her again!

Cathy at 3 months

My precious little girl now!

Look at how much she's grown! I cant wait to spend 7 weeks loving this sweet little thing again!

And since I've been thinking about my upcoming trip and reminiscing on my old trip, watch this video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HP5SsKnza0A&feature=autoplay&list=HL1332334397&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=1

Baby updates!

The whole time I was in Zambia (and some since I've been back) I asked you to pray for two babies Cathy and Matt. They were the babies I was assigned to, but they quickly became more than just my assigned babies. They became mine. Leaving them was the hardest thing I've ever done. I was scared because I wasn't going to be there to take care of them. But I soon realized I'm not the one who takes care of Cathy and Matt. I'm not the one that gives them life and health and happiness. That's the Lord. And somehow, I was blessed enough to be used by the Lord to love them for a short time. So after I left Zambia I kept getting updates on my babies, and I have to share them with you because God is so faithful and so great.

When I first got to Zambia, Cathy was 3 weeks old, tiny, and sick. Her body was covered in rashes from head to toe. They didnt know why, so they treated her for a couple different things. Her rashes soon began to fade, the discoloring on her skin began to fade, and before I knew it she was a healthy baby! During the few months I was there, I watched her learn how to smile and laugh, I watched her gain a personality, and I watched her grow into a beautiful little girl! She was 4 months old when I left, almost sitting up by herself, and the happiest little thing ever.

The top picture is Cathy when I first got to Zambia.
The bottom picture is Cathy on my last day in Zambia.

On July 27 she turned one, so she's now one and a half! She is standing and will soon be walking! Once she reaches that point, she'll move to Haven 2 with the toddlers. That'll be a big change for her, but I know she'll love it there. As you can see, she is the most precious thing ever. I hear she's still the happiest and most joyful too! Look at how much she's grown and how healthy she is! It makes my heart happy! So continue praying that she stays healthy and keeps growing. Pray that she transitions well to life in haven 2. And pray that one day her family will come take her home and that she'll be ready for that!

Cathy on Christmas Day!

Matt was one and a half when I first got to Zambia. He was in haven 3, which is the hospice haven, because he has AIDS. He was part of a group of boys in that haven that was crazy, funny, and quite the trouble makers. Although, he was always one of the more calm and quiet ones. He grew to love me, and by the end of the semester he would refuse to go to anyone else. I got him to talk a little bit while I was there, but not much. He usually would just laugh and run around.

Matty!

Matt on my last day in Zambia

As of yesterday, Matt is now 3! A few months ago I got an update that he was moved out of the hospice haven and into haven 2 with the toddlers. He of course loved that. Apparently he would run around singing all the time. Then just about a month ago he went home to the village! His grandma came and got him and took him home. This is wonderful, but also a huge change for him. So pray that he transitions well to his home and especially that he stays healthy. Also, pray that he continues to be loved and taught about Jesus in his new home.

Matt with his bags packed and going home!

ONE YEAR

A year ago today, August 22, 2011, I got on a plane and flew to Zambia for the best 4 months of my life. I didnt know what I was getting myself into. I just knew that I was going to Zambia with 30 Harding students to live on a mission site, take classes, and come back a little while later changed. It's funny now to think back and see what all God did through those 4 months and through the time I've been back. I just have to laugh because I had NO idea. I thought I knew. Boy, I thought I had life all figured out. I was way wrong. While in Zambia, I learned to love more than I have ever loved. I learned to serve more than what was sometimes comfortable. I learned to praise Jesus until tears were streaming down my face. I learned to question God and be angry with Him. I learned to trust Him even when it seemed absolutely crazy. I learned to not let fear get in the way of living life. I learned to take advantage of every second because life flies by right before your eyes. There's so much that I learned that changed me. It wasnt easy to learn, but it was completely worth it. Then I came back to America and thought it was be pretty easy. I was wrong again. Thats the part that you dont sign up for when you decide you want to go on this trip. You dont sign up for culture shock. You dont sign up for overwhelming sadness when you realize you'll never be in Zambia with that same group of people again. You dont sign up for separation from the Harding family that you formed there. You dont sign up for your heart to be ripped apart because it was left on the other side of the world. You dont sign up for this longing feeling that literally eats at you telling you that you need to get back there as soon as possible. You dont sign up for the feelings of anger you get when you see pictures of people with "your baby" that arent you. I just didnt even know what I was getting myself into when I signed up for HIZ 2011. That little application, interview, and email entailed so much more than I ever ever ever would've thought. As hard as it is being back in America, as hard as it is not being able to hug my babies, as hard as it is being away from the 30 Harding brothers and sisters I now have, as hard as it is trying to fit into this materialistic world, I wouldnt change a thing. Because I know this is where I'm supposed to be right now. God used those 4 months in Zambia to build me into this person that is now supposed to be living right here in Austin, Dallas, Abilene, who knows where else, to shine His light on the people here. Sometimes I dont think it's fair. I dont want to be here. I want to be in Africa. Other people get to go there...why cant I? Life was so simple there. God was so evident. My faith was so strong. My babies need me. I need them. I can come up with all of these excuses to convince myself and others that I need to be there. But when I do that God kind of gives me a reality check. America needs an example of simplicity here. God needs to be evident here. My faith needs to be strong even when it's not easy. My babies need God, not me. I need God. I need to see God in people here. And so I'm here, serving God in a country that needs Him just as badly as Zambia I'm here because I need to see God in America just as badly as I needed to see him in Zambia. I'm here, following God wherever he leads me. I'm here, trying to live out my faith even when it's so so hard. I'm here, and I'm learning to be content with that.

With that being said, this past summer I would've loved to be in Africa. But I wasnt. I was in Garland, Texas. Good ol' Garland. A year ago, I never would've imagined that I'd be spending my summer interning for a Dallas youth group. In fact, when the youth minister asked me, I told him no the first couple times.  But God was working on my heart and he was working in my life. And eventually I followed Him to Saturn Road Church of Christ. And just as those 4 months in Zambia changed my life, so did the 3 months in Garland. I learned to love people that were hard to love. I learned to love completely even though I knew I was just going to have to pack up and leave. I learned patience. I learned hard work. I learned that even though I was supposed to be an example to these kids, they were an example to me. I learned how to put stress behind me and have fun. I learned how to let things go and focus on the more important issues in life such as faith and relationships. I learned that serving the Lord means getting out of your comfort zone. But over all, I learned that Garland and Zambia are so so similar. God sent me there to reach a group of people that so badly need Him. But He also sent me there because He knew that I so badly needed Him, and the Zambians and the SR youth group were people that I needed more than they needed me. I wasnt in Garland because I'm this great Christian who could change the lives of 100 highschool kids. Not at all. I realized that I'm so inadequate, and if my youth group kids saw God in me at all this summer, it was all Him, not me. (Thank goodness!) I was there because together those 100 highschool kids and myself are walking through this journey of life where God is lost, sin is strong, and we so badly need people to encourage us. They encouraged me, their families encouraged me, and the church encouraged. And because I followed God to a place that I didnt necessarily want to go, I learned things I never would've learned anywhere else, I struggled and grew in my faith, I fell in love with a new group of people, and I gained a new family.

So after the past year I've realized this huge part of life that is so important and rewarding, but so hard and demanding. LOVE. God calls us to love. That sounds pretty simple. And it is. It's easy to love people. It's easy to unconditionally love your family because you know they'll always be around. But I've learned that loving isnt so easy when you know you're going to have to leave those people. I went to Zambia and poured out every little drop of love that I had left in me, and then I came home with nothing. Because I had given everything to a group of people that was halfway across the world. But somehow God filled me back up. So I went to Garland and poured out every little drop of love in me there, and came back to Austin with nothing because I was hours away from where my heart was. But God is still filling me up. Now I look back on life and realize I've given what I thought was everything multiple times. I've given it to my family, I've given it to Brentwood church and school and the people there that I grew up with, I've given it to my friends at Camp Blue Haven, I've given it to my friends at ACU, my friends at Harding, my friends at trek, kids at Impact, Zambian college students, orphans at Namwianga, highschool kids at Saturn Road, families at Saturn road, and the list goes on and on. I've given what I thought was everything and come home feeling left with nothing, just to watch God fill me back up and prepare me to give everything again. And that's what is so awesome, rewarding, challenging, and hard about loving. In the moment it's easy to love and then you have to pack up and leave. You get home feeling torn apart because your heart is back where you left it. But the love doesnt stop there. The church family doesnt break up when you drive away after your last day of work as an intern. A home isnt torn down when you leave after living there all summer. Your friendship doesnt end when you fly out of Zambia knowing you might not ever see those college students again. Your bond with an orphan isnt over when you walk out of the orphanage hearing him screaming after you and knowing that you wont get to watch him grow up. Love doesnt just stop. Distance doesnt just break that off. You know why? Because we're united in Christ. When I leave a place that has my whole heart, I know I'll be ok because God is still there loving those people (and who would want my love anyways when they have the love of Christ?). And that makes it a little easier for me to leave. I also know that we'll all be reunited one day. And that makes it a lot easier for me to leave. I've learned to love completely with that hope that one day, because of Christ, I'll be able to hug each person that I've loved and each person that loved me. One day every little piece of my heart that I've given away will be put back together because of the promise of our almighty God. One day, every group of people that I've poured my heart out to will be together. I wont ever have to leave anyone again. But then I cant help but wonder if I'm really gonna care about all that? When we are all reunited in the kingdom of God, I cant help but wonder if we're going to be so overwhelmed by the presence of our Lord and the glory of Heaven, that we will be on our knees, speechless, and in awe of eternity with our Creator, that nothing else will matter. Because in reality, no matter how much we love, no matter how many people we love, and no matter how important we think our love is, God's love is infinitely better. Period.