Baby updates!

The whole time I was in Zambia (and some since I've been back) I asked you to pray for two babies Cathy and Matt. They were the babies I was assigned to, but they quickly became more than just my assigned babies. They became mine. Leaving them was the hardest thing I've ever done. I was scared because I wasn't going to be there to take care of them. But I soon realized I'm not the one who takes care of Cathy and Matt. I'm not the one that gives them life and health and happiness. That's the Lord. And somehow, I was blessed enough to be used by the Lord to love them for a short time. So after I left Zambia I kept getting updates on my babies, and I have to share them with you because God is so faithful and so great.

When I first got to Zambia, Cathy was 3 weeks old, tiny, and sick. Her body was covered in rashes from head to toe. They didnt know why, so they treated her for a couple different things. Her rashes soon began to fade, the discoloring on her skin began to fade, and before I knew it she was a healthy baby! During the few months I was there, I watched her learn how to smile and laugh, I watched her gain a personality, and I watched her grow into a beautiful little girl! She was 4 months old when I left, almost sitting up by herself, and the happiest little thing ever.

The top picture is Cathy when I first got to Zambia.
The bottom picture is Cathy on my last day in Zambia.

On July 27 she turned one, so she's now one and a half! She is standing and will soon be walking! Once she reaches that point, she'll move to Haven 2 with the toddlers. That'll be a big change for her, but I know she'll love it there. As you can see, she is the most precious thing ever. I hear she's still the happiest and most joyful too! Look at how much she's grown and how healthy she is! It makes my heart happy! So continue praying that she stays healthy and keeps growing. Pray that she transitions well to life in haven 2. And pray that one day her family will come take her home and that she'll be ready for that!

Cathy on Christmas Day!

Matt was one and a half when I first got to Zambia. He was in haven 3, which is the hospice haven, because he has AIDS. He was part of a group of boys in that haven that was crazy, funny, and quite the trouble makers. Although, he was always one of the more calm and quiet ones. He grew to love me, and by the end of the semester he would refuse to go to anyone else. I got him to talk a little bit while I was there, but not much. He usually would just laugh and run around.

Matty!

Matt on my last day in Zambia

As of yesterday, Matt is now 3! A few months ago I got an update that he was moved out of the hospice haven and into haven 2 with the toddlers. He of course loved that. Apparently he would run around singing all the time. Then just about a month ago he went home to the village! His grandma came and got him and took him home. This is wonderful, but also a huge change for him. So pray that he transitions well to his home and especially that he stays healthy. Also, pray that he continues to be loved and taught about Jesus in his new home.

Matt with his bags packed and going home!

ONE YEAR

A year ago today, August 22, 2011, I got on a plane and flew to Zambia for the best 4 months of my life. I didnt know what I was getting myself into. I just knew that I was going to Zambia with 30 Harding students to live on a mission site, take classes, and come back a little while later changed. It's funny now to think back and see what all God did through those 4 months and through the time I've been back. I just have to laugh because I had NO idea. I thought I knew. Boy, I thought I had life all figured out. I was way wrong. While in Zambia, I learned to love more than I have ever loved. I learned to serve more than what was sometimes comfortable. I learned to praise Jesus until tears were streaming down my face. I learned to question God and be angry with Him. I learned to trust Him even when it seemed absolutely crazy. I learned to not let fear get in the way of living life. I learned to take advantage of every second because life flies by right before your eyes. There's so much that I learned that changed me. It wasnt easy to learn, but it was completely worth it. Then I came back to America and thought it was be pretty easy. I was wrong again. Thats the part that you dont sign up for when you decide you want to go on this trip. You dont sign up for culture shock. You dont sign up for overwhelming sadness when you realize you'll never be in Zambia with that same group of people again. You dont sign up for separation from the Harding family that you formed there. You dont sign up for your heart to be ripped apart because it was left on the other side of the world. You dont sign up for this longing feeling that literally eats at you telling you that you need to get back there as soon as possible. You dont sign up for the feelings of anger you get when you see pictures of people with "your baby" that arent you. I just didnt even know what I was getting myself into when I signed up for HIZ 2011. That little application, interview, and email entailed so much more than I ever ever ever would've thought. As hard as it is being back in America, as hard as it is not being able to hug my babies, as hard as it is being away from the 30 Harding brothers and sisters I now have, as hard as it is trying to fit into this materialistic world, I wouldnt change a thing. Because I know this is where I'm supposed to be right now. God used those 4 months in Zambia to build me into this person that is now supposed to be living right here in Austin, Dallas, Abilene, who knows where else, to shine His light on the people here. Sometimes I dont think it's fair. I dont want to be here. I want to be in Africa. Other people get to go there...why cant I? Life was so simple there. God was so evident. My faith was so strong. My babies need me. I need them. I can come up with all of these excuses to convince myself and others that I need to be there. But when I do that God kind of gives me a reality check. America needs an example of simplicity here. God needs to be evident here. My faith needs to be strong even when it's not easy. My babies need God, not me. I need God. I need to see God in people here. And so I'm here, serving God in a country that needs Him just as badly as Zambia I'm here because I need to see God in America just as badly as I needed to see him in Zambia. I'm here, following God wherever he leads me. I'm here, trying to live out my faith even when it's so so hard. I'm here, and I'm learning to be content with that.

With that being said, this past summer I would've loved to be in Africa. But I wasnt. I was in Garland, Texas. Good ol' Garland. A year ago, I never would've imagined that I'd be spending my summer interning for a Dallas youth group. In fact, when the youth minister asked me, I told him no the first couple times.  But God was working on my heart and he was working in my life. And eventually I followed Him to Saturn Road Church of Christ. And just as those 4 months in Zambia changed my life, so did the 3 months in Garland. I learned to love people that were hard to love. I learned to love completely even though I knew I was just going to have to pack up and leave. I learned patience. I learned hard work. I learned that even though I was supposed to be an example to these kids, they were an example to me. I learned how to put stress behind me and have fun. I learned how to let things go and focus on the more important issues in life such as faith and relationships. I learned that serving the Lord means getting out of your comfort zone. But over all, I learned that Garland and Zambia are so so similar. God sent me there to reach a group of people that so badly need Him. But He also sent me there because He knew that I so badly needed Him, and the Zambians and the SR youth group were people that I needed more than they needed me. I wasnt in Garland because I'm this great Christian who could change the lives of 100 highschool kids. Not at all. I realized that I'm so inadequate, and if my youth group kids saw God in me at all this summer, it was all Him, not me. (Thank goodness!) I was there because together those 100 highschool kids and myself are walking through this journey of life where God is lost, sin is strong, and we so badly need people to encourage us. They encouraged me, their families encouraged me, and the church encouraged. And because I followed God to a place that I didnt necessarily want to go, I learned things I never would've learned anywhere else, I struggled and grew in my faith, I fell in love with a new group of people, and I gained a new family.

So after the past year I've realized this huge part of life that is so important and rewarding, but so hard and demanding. LOVE. God calls us to love. That sounds pretty simple. And it is. It's easy to love people. It's easy to unconditionally love your family because you know they'll always be around. But I've learned that loving isnt so easy when you know you're going to have to leave those people. I went to Zambia and poured out every little drop of love that I had left in me, and then I came home with nothing. Because I had given everything to a group of people that was halfway across the world. But somehow God filled me back up. So I went to Garland and poured out every little drop of love in me there, and came back to Austin with nothing because I was hours away from where my heart was. But God is still filling me up. Now I look back on life and realize I've given what I thought was everything multiple times. I've given it to my family, I've given it to Brentwood church and school and the people there that I grew up with, I've given it to my friends at Camp Blue Haven, I've given it to my friends at ACU, my friends at Harding, my friends at trek, kids at Impact, Zambian college students, orphans at Namwianga, highschool kids at Saturn Road, families at Saturn road, and the list goes on and on. I've given what I thought was everything and come home feeling left with nothing, just to watch God fill me back up and prepare me to give everything again. And that's what is so awesome, rewarding, challenging, and hard about loving. In the moment it's easy to love and then you have to pack up and leave. You get home feeling torn apart because your heart is back where you left it. But the love doesnt stop there. The church family doesnt break up when you drive away after your last day of work as an intern. A home isnt torn down when you leave after living there all summer. Your friendship doesnt end when you fly out of Zambia knowing you might not ever see those college students again. Your bond with an orphan isnt over when you walk out of the orphanage hearing him screaming after you and knowing that you wont get to watch him grow up. Love doesnt just stop. Distance doesnt just break that off. You know why? Because we're united in Christ. When I leave a place that has my whole heart, I know I'll be ok because God is still there loving those people (and who would want my love anyways when they have the love of Christ?). And that makes it a little easier for me to leave. I also know that we'll all be reunited one day. And that makes it a lot easier for me to leave. I've learned to love completely with that hope that one day, because of Christ, I'll be able to hug each person that I've loved and each person that loved me. One day every little piece of my heart that I've given away will be put back together because of the promise of our almighty God. One day, every group of people that I've poured my heart out to will be together. I wont ever have to leave anyone again. But then I cant help but wonder if I'm really gonna care about all that? When we are all reunited in the kingdom of God, I cant help but wonder if we're going to be so overwhelmed by the presence of our Lord and the glory of Heaven, that we will be on our knees, speechless, and in awe of eternity with our Creator, that nothing else will matter. Because in reality, no matter how much we love, no matter how many people we love, and no matter how important we think our love is, God's love is infinitely better. Period.

This world is not my home

I love Austin. I love my house and my family. I love laying on my couch watching a movie with my mom and dad. I love that there hasn’t been a second since I’ve been home that people haven’t been over. I love my mom’s cookies or brownies and my tia’s homemade salsa. I love Brentwood and the family that church has been to me for almost 20 years. I love that there are already bluebonnets on the green green side of the highway. I love that the rain cleared up today and I got to enjoy the real Austin weather that I know and love. I love Austin Stone. I love how I can go to that church with hundreds of college kids and praise my Jesus without holding anything back. I love walking out of Austin Stone and seeing downtown all lit up. I love downtown Austin. I love my home. I love it. I wouldn’t live anywhere else.

Before spring break, life at ACU was crazy. I was stressed out from school work and so ready to get home. And now I’m home and I love it. But I miss ACU. I miss my friends and I miss dorm life. I miss the atmosphere of the campus center and bean. I miss chapel and just the fun of college.

I miss Harding and my small group of friends there. I miss spending 24/7 with my HIZ family. I miss the relationships that are so deep, the people that truly care about my life and understand how I feel, and the simplicity of life when we lived together for 3 months.

I also miss Africa. Oh my goodness, I’d do anything to be there. I would get on a plane literally this second, by myself, with no returning flight, and go. I don’t care where I’d go or for how long, as long as I was going back to Africa. I want to walk into Haven 3 and have Matt, Bennett, and Nathan run up to me; I know I’d fall to the ground with tears in my eyes while I held them and laughed at those crazy crazy boys. I want to wrap my sweet Cathy up and never let her go. I want to sing in Tonga and wear chitenges. I want to smell that dirty smell of the beautiful, joyful Zambian people.

I wish I could be a hundred places at once. I wish I could be surrounded by everyone I know at the same time. I wish I could be here today and there the next. But I cant. God created us to be so adaptable. We talk about getting out of our comfort zone, but that “uncomfortable” place quickly becomes so comfortable. We so quickly begin to feel “at home.” Austin is my home, but I have a home and family in many different places on the Earth. Yes I miss Africa, Harding, ACU, Austin…but what a blessing that is. How blessed am I that I have people around the world that are my friends and that I miss?

“This world is not my home. I’m just a passing through.” I’m realizing more and more how so very true that song is. This world is not my home. I believe we’re made to long for the places and people that we aren’t with. I believe we’re made to wish we were somewhere else. One of my favorite songs says “maybe the reason for the world is to make us long for home.” There’s only one place where we can be with everyone we know at the same time and not miss another place….heaven. Heaven is our home. How can someone not have that longing to be there? How can someone not feel so desperate to get there and not long for home again? Goodness… I cant imagine the day when everyone I know is together in the presence of God. We get to bask in the glory of our all mighty Savior. We get to live together for eternity. How beautiful is that going to be? The more places I go, the more people I meet, the more and more I miss something…the more I long for heaven. Because there, and only there, am I able to fill every longing I have. There, and only there, am I finally able to stand hand in hand with people from Africa, ACU, Harding, and Austin and worship our one and only Creator.

God is good

This past weekend I got an email that literally broke my heart. I felt like everything had been destroyed. I didnt want to be here. I didnt enjoy doing my "normal" things. I felt helpless and desperate. I wanted to be in Zambia next to the hospital bed where Sidney was fighting for her life and I wanted to be at the funeral of Mary. It was killing me to just sit here and not be able to do anything...except pray.

The email said this...Mary and Sidney, two little girls in haven 3, were in the bathtub and the auntie walked out of the bathroom to take care of something. While she was gone the hot water got turned on. It burned Mary and Sidney so bad that they were taken to the hospital. Mary fought for 5 days before losing her battle. Sidney is still in the hospital in critical condition.

Mary and Sidney were physically a huge part of my life everyday for 3 months. After those 3 months they continued to be a huge part of my life just by what I learned from spending time with them. They were always there in the havens to run up to you and make you feel so special as soon as you walked into the door. They were so so joyful and fun. They were God's children and He loved them with an everlasting love. He was blessing them and teaching them, and he was using them to bless and teach us. Mary lost her life due to burns that maybe could've been easily healed here in the US. It doesn make sense why things like this happen. It isn't fair that Mary was an orphan and didnt have a mother to stand by her side as she endured the awful pain of those burns. It isn't fair that someone that young and innocent would lose their chance at living life here on earth. Sidney is still having to endure the pain of those burns and that isnt fair either. While I was there last semester she walked for the first time. I held her while she screamed and cried because she didnt like the food that I was trying to force her to eat. She had a smile that literally lit up the room. It doesnt make sense that she's already had to go through so much and now she's fighting for her life...and she doesnt have a mother to help her through this either. But life isnt supposed to make sense...God didnt promise us an easy life without pain or struggles. He just promises us that He'll be there holding us when nothing seems fair. So as my heart was breaking for Mary and Sidney, for the pain they were/are suffering, for the opportunities they dont have there in Zambia, for the life that Mary will never get to live, and for the scars that will affect Sidney for the rest of her life, God was putting my heart back together. He was reminding me that He is God. He has a plan. He loves Mary and Sidney more than I do. He is working out all things for good. He is in control. He is there holding them when I cant be. He is good, oh so good. Mary, a little girl who would've lived a difficult life as an orphan in Zambia, is now sitting in the lap of her Heavenly Father. There's not a better picture than that right there! And Sidney isnt going through this alone. God is right next to her hospital bed holding her tight and loving her. He has a plan for Sidney and I trust Him as he's working that out right now.

Life is hard. So much of me doesnt want to do the normal things that I always do. I went and saw a sad movie the day after I found out and it wasnt sad anymore...because my heart was breaking for a real life situation that is so so devastating. But when I'm here and feeling helpless and out of control I just remember that God is God and I am not. I pray to him to hold Mary close up there and I pray to him to heal precious Sidney. I beg and beg and beg for Him to heal her. I pray to him for the aunties that are dealing with this awful accident. I pray that he gives them grace and peace and takes away all feelings of guilt. I pray for my HIZ family and all the other people around the world who love Mary and Sidney and who are hurting because of this. I pray because thats all I can do here. I pray because I know that God is in control and that he hears my desperate cries.

I ask you to pray also. Pray for these little girls whether you know them or not and pray for the aunties. Pray for the people affected by this. Pray for Brittney and Kevin, two people from my group who loved Mary; she was "their baby." Pray for peace, understanding, and comfort. God is good and loving and almighty, and all we can do is trust in Him.

Sidney...such a happy little girl!

Sidney finally walking!

Sweet Mary

Kevin and Brittney with Caleb and Mary