A year ago today, August 22, 2011, I got on a plane and flew to Zambia for the best 4 months of my life. I didnt know what I was getting myself into. I just knew that I was going to Zambia with 30 Harding students to live on a mission site, take classes, and come back a little while later changed. It's funny now to think back and see what all God did through those 4 months and through the time I've been back. I just have to laugh because I had NO idea. I thought I knew. Boy, I thought I had life all figured out. I was way wrong. While in Zambia, I learned to love more than I have ever loved. I learned to serve more than what was sometimes comfortable. I learned to praise Jesus until tears were streaming down my face. I learned to question God and be angry with Him. I learned to trust Him even when it seemed absolutely crazy. I learned to not let fear get in the way of living life. I learned to take advantage of every second because life flies by right before your eyes. There's so much that I learned that changed me. It wasnt easy to learn, but it was completely worth it. Then I came back to America and thought it was be pretty easy. I was wrong again. Thats the part that you dont sign up for when you decide you want to go on this trip. You dont sign up for culture shock. You dont sign up for overwhelming sadness when you realize you'll never be in Zambia with that same group of people again. You dont sign up for separation from the Harding family that you formed there. You dont sign up for your heart to be ripped apart because it was left on the other side of the world. You dont sign up for this longing feeling that literally eats at you telling you that you need to get back there as soon as possible. You dont sign up for the feelings of anger you get when you see pictures of people with "your baby" that arent you. I just didnt even know what I was getting myself into when I signed up for HIZ 2011. That little application, interview, and email entailed so much more than I ever ever ever would've thought. As hard as it is being back in America, as hard as it is not being able to hug my babies, as hard as it is being away from the 30 Harding brothers and sisters I now have, as hard as it is trying to fit into this materialistic world, I wouldnt change a thing. Because I know this is where I'm supposed to be right now. God used those 4 months in Zambia to build me into this person that is now supposed to be living right here in Austin, Dallas, Abilene, who knows where else, to shine His light on the people here. Sometimes I dont think it's fair. I dont want to be here. I want to be in Africa. Other people get to go there...why cant I? Life was so simple there. God was so evident. My faith was so strong. My babies need me. I need them. I can come up with all of these excuses to convince myself and others that I need to be there. But when I do that God kind of gives me a reality check. America needs an example of simplicity here. God needs to be evident here. My faith needs to be strong even when it's not easy. My babies need God, not me. I need God. I need to see God in people here. And so I'm here, serving God in a country that needs Him just as badly as Zambia I'm here because I need to see God in America just as badly as I needed to see him in Zambia. I'm here, following God wherever he leads me. I'm here, trying to live out my faith even when it's so so hard. I'm here, and I'm learning to be content with that.
With that being said, this past summer I would've loved to be in Africa. But I wasnt. I was in Garland, Texas. Good ol' Garland. A year ago, I never would've imagined that I'd be spending my summer interning for a Dallas youth group. In fact, when the youth minister asked me, I told him no the first couple times. But God was working on my heart and he was working in my life. And eventually I followed Him to Saturn Road Church of Christ. And just as those 4 months in Zambia changed my life, so did the 3 months in Garland. I learned to love people that were hard to love. I learned to love completely even though I knew I was just going to have to pack up and leave. I learned patience. I learned hard work. I learned that even though I was supposed to be an example to these kids, they were an example to me. I learned how to put stress behind me and have fun. I learned how to let things go and focus on the more important issues in life such as faith and relationships. I learned that serving the Lord means getting out of your comfort zone. But over all, I learned that Garland and Zambia are so so similar. God sent me there to reach a group of people that so badly need Him. But He also sent me there because He knew that I so badly needed Him, and the Zambians and the SR youth group were people that I needed more than they needed me. I wasnt in Garland because I'm this great Christian who could change the lives of 100 highschool kids. Not at all. I realized that I'm so inadequate, and if my youth group kids saw God in me at all this summer, it was all Him, not me. (Thank goodness!) I was there because together those 100 highschool kids and myself are walking through this journey of life where God is lost, sin is strong, and we so badly need people to encourage us. They encouraged me, their families encouraged me, and the church encouraged. And because I followed God to a place that I didnt necessarily want to go, I learned things I never would've learned anywhere else, I struggled and grew in my faith, I fell in love with a new group of people, and I gained a new family.
So after the past year I've realized this huge part of life that is so important and rewarding, but so hard and demanding. LOVE. God calls us to love. That sounds pretty simple. And it is. It's easy to love people. It's easy to unconditionally love your family because you know they'll always be around. But I've learned that loving isnt so easy when you know you're going to have to leave those people. I went to Zambia and poured out every little drop of love that I had left in me, and then I came home with nothing. Because I had given everything to a group of people that was halfway across the world. But somehow God filled me back up. So I went to Garland and poured out every little drop of love in me there, and came back to Austin with nothing because I was hours away from where my heart was. But God is still filling me up. Now I look back on life and realize I've given what I thought was everything multiple times. I've given it to my family, I've given it to Brentwood church and school and the people there that I grew up with, I've given it to my friends at Camp Blue Haven, I've given it to my friends at ACU, my friends at Harding, my friends at trek, kids at Impact, Zambian college students, orphans at Namwianga, highschool kids at Saturn Road, families at Saturn road, and the list goes on and on. I've given what I thought was everything and come home feeling left with nothing, just to watch God fill me back up and prepare me to give everything again. And that's what is so awesome, rewarding, challenging, and hard about loving. In the moment it's easy to love and then you have to pack up and leave. You get home feeling torn apart because your heart is back where you left it. But the love doesnt stop there. The church family doesnt break up when you drive away after your last day of work as an intern. A home isnt torn down when you leave after living there all summer. Your friendship doesnt end when you fly out of Zambia knowing you might not ever see those college students again. Your bond with an orphan isnt over when you walk out of the orphanage hearing him screaming after you and knowing that you wont get to watch him grow up. Love doesnt just stop. Distance doesnt just break that off. You know why? Because we're united in Christ. When I leave a place that has my whole heart, I know I'll be ok because God is still there loving those people (and who would want my love anyways when they have the love of Christ?). And that makes it a little easier for me to leave. I also know that we'll all be reunited one day. And that makes it a lot easier for me to leave. I've learned to love completely with that hope that one day, because of Christ, I'll be able to hug each person that I've loved and each person that loved me. One day every little piece of my heart that I've given away will be put back together because of the promise of our almighty God. One day, every group of people that I've poured my heart out to will be together. I wont ever have to leave anyone again. But then I cant help but wonder if I'm really gonna care about all that? When we are all reunited in the kingdom of God, I cant help but wonder if we're going to be so overwhelmed by the presence of our Lord and the glory of Heaven, that we will be on our knees, speechless, and in awe of eternity with our Creator, that nothing else will matter. Because in reality, no matter how much we love, no matter how many people we love, and no matter how important we think our love is, God's love is infinitely better. Period.
