Casually Walk Through Life

My boss this summer had a note in her office that said, "You don't casually walk through life and call yourself a disciple."

I read that everyday, and I cringed at the reality of that. That's a strong statement. I want to be a disciple. I want to be the hands and feet of God. But I don't know how. I don't know what that means or to what extent we have to go to fulfill that calling. But we can't be casual right? We can't just live an ordinary life. So I wrestled with it and thought, there's no way I can do that here. I can't work at a church and do that. I can't be a Child Life specialist in a hospital and do that. I can't work in America and do that. Because that would be ordinary. That would be casual.

So I prayed that the Lord would send me. I prayed that he would open doors on the other side of the world that would finally allow me to be a disciple. That's what we're supposed to do, right? Aren't we supposed to declare, "Here I am Lord, send me," and then follow Him to the ends of the earth?

But then the Lord so sweetly took my desires, my passions, and my prayers and crushed them.

At least that's what I felt like at the time. It's not that He didn't open any doors. He opened doors that I really wanted, just to close them after I had committed. He also opened doors that I prayed to stay closed.

I felt like He kept saying, "I know you want this, so I'm not going to give it to you."

Instead, I think I'm just starting to figure out that He was (and is) trying to say, "I would give you that, but you can't even be content with this. I would give you that, but you can't even see me work through this. I would give you that, but you don't even know how to be a disciple with this."

Maybe He's telling me I'm not ready.
And maybe He's right. Imagine that.

I think the Lord is teaching me what it means to be a disciple, and it's not what I expected. I thought I knew. Boy, I thought I was a disciple that was ready to go change the world. I thought I was ready to find the most needy and desperate people and fix their situations. Isn't that our problem so often? We want to fix it. We want to change people. We want to make the world a better place. Which I think is a good thing to want. I think it's a worthy desire. But the problem is, we want to do it on our own time and in our own way. And we forget that there's nothing we can do. We forget that it's the Lord who fixes things and changes people. At least I forget that.

I forget that I'm not enough on my own.

And if I'm not learning that in the hospital this semester, than I don't know what I'm there for. I never knew that working in a hospital could make you feel so useless or helpless. I work in a place where people have medical conditions that I've never even heard of. I work in a place where most things are so far beyond over my head. I work in a place where people who are supposed to save lives advocate for terminating a life. I work in a place where a kid comes with high hopes of getting a new heart, only to be told they won't give him one. I work in a place where the professional boundaries keep me from sharing the goodness, grace, and love of the Lord to a teen who wants to kill herself. And I can't help but wonder, how am I supposed to be a disciple here? How am I supposed to be the hands and feet of Jesus? I want to do something more. I want to do something better. I don't want to casually walk through the hospital, hold an iPad for a patient getting a PICC line, teach a patient what it means to have diabetes, put a mobile on a baby's crib.

I want to scream to the doctors to give the kid a chance with a new heart. Because where would we be if God didn't give us second chances? 

I want to hug that girl who wants to take her own life and tell her that Jesus loves her. Because how do we expect her to feel love if no one will share with her the most perfect love of all time?

I want to pray with the mom having a baby with a life threatening illness. Because we all need someone to share in our hope of a miracle. 

I want to run out of the place and never come back. Because I feel like so many things are pointing away from what the Lord is calling us towards.

But I stay. And I long for a way to make a small difference, to shine a small sliver of light, to give a glimpse of Jesus. And I have to hope, with everything in me, that Jesus is reaching through the cracks. He's in the places where we can't be. He's saying what we can't. He's comforting in a way that is impossible for us. He's proving the test results and doctors opinions WRONG.

Because our God is able to do that.

And I stay because I'm realizing that it's not me. I'm not going to change a life or save a life or make the world a better place. Shoot, I'm pretty useless. But I hold the iPad anyways. And I teach about diabetes anyways. And I put the mobile on the bed anyways.

And I'm starting to learn why. We can do casual things, but trust that the Lord is using those in extraordinary ways. I think that's what it means to be a disciple, after all. I think a disciple steps into small roles, casual situations, ordinary settings, and watches the Lord do big things. I don't think we can casually walk through life and call ourselves a disciple. But I think we have to walk through casual situations and have extraordinary belief in a God that promises to be walking with us, using us, and giving us the opportunity to be His hands and feet.

So I still read that quote and cringe. But I cringe for a different reason. I don't cringe because the extent of how far we have to go scares me. I cringe because sometimes being in an ordinary place and playing a casual role is harder than going to the ends of the earth to be a life changer. I pray to be a disciple that is able to put myself aside, let the Lord in, and trust that in the midst of ordinary life He's changing lives.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll begin to see that the casual situations are actually so extraordinary that we can't make a sliver of difference without the Lord on our team.